Ok I can say it. I love the Will Farrell movie "Elf" It is a charming little piece of holiday cinema. When I heard about them using the movie to "base" a Broadway show off of it I knew I wanted to go see it. We will come back to why "base" is in quotes in a few paragraphs or so. When TDF (Theatre Development Fund for all you non-new yorkers out there) put tickets up for the second preview I thought why not.
I would think that the cheap seats in a theatre are where the people with no theatre class and the people who just don't want to pay $130 dollars to see a show always sit. Thus making the people think about getting higher priced tickets - but I said I WOULD think that if not for the premium seats I got to Wicked one time only to have the guy sitting next to me sing every, and I mean every song until he was politely told to shut the hell up at intermission. When he started belting "I'm not that girl" well things didn't go his way. However annoying people in the theatre are everywhere and as Patti Lupone famously ranted "We have lost our manners" Just because you paid 40 bucks or 60 bucks or 200 bucks or even got a COMP ticket, doesn't mean it is a private show.
The six Jersey trash (everyone in the tri-state knows what I mean) girls sitting across the aisle and over my left shoulder. Here is your list of mistakes made tonight.
1) Do not photograph the stage. And when told by the usher do not say "Oh I forgot I was at a live show" - how can you forget that? - people are moving and singing and dancing in front of you. How is it possible you forgot that this wasn't some really intense cinematic effect going on before your eyes?
2) Whilst waiting for the show to begin, and again at intermission, do not sing at the top of your lungs the parts of the movie that Will Farrell sang. Yes it is funny in the movie that he makes up songs in the office and again in the store. Yes you are very clever for thinking of it while sitting at Elf the musical. No you cannot sing and therefore you are on this side of the 4th wall and should not be putting on a curtain warming event that all the Mezzanine is hearing. I didn't pay extra for the preshow so I don't feel I deserve it. And if you must do it, sing it once and get it out of your system. DO not, and I repeat do not sing it 12 times in a row getting louder each time and laugh and then give yourself applause. Now you are saying "But Mark, they were having fun" - yeah yeah whatever is what I say back. - were you there? did you have to listen to it for 10 minutes? NO - ok well then it wasn't fun. In fact the couple behind me said something that made me say something to them. The very proper and nice lady said to her husband and I quote (this got my interest because it was said by our cruise director being funny one night) "If they do that during the show, the blood shall spill" her husband quickly said "Now don't go being a curmudgeon" No no no - you know what she has a point and they both laughed when I turned around and said "Listen I think I can take the fat one, but you two will have to handle the other 5" We bonded through our annoyance and I wish I had their name so I could face book friend them.
3) Do not complain, loudly, that they left out the following from the movie- The moving ice flow (actually they did that, but you were texting at the time) The gum picked off the subway entrance and chewed, the escalator scene in the department store (and how dare they left that out because it would have made the musical) - let me stop a second - if a man who has one leg on an escalator stair and one on the platform floor and is being pulled into a split is all you didn't get out of the musical then you have no business going to see live theatre, trust me they could have done that scene without thinking about it - they decided not to - so you moved on to complain that they left out the lingerie that he buys his dad, that the lite bright welcome Santa wasn't there, that the mailroom scene wasn't there, that this wasn't there, that that wasn't there - you know what - it is not the DAMN MOVIE - It is a musical BASED ON THE MOVIE - if you wanted to see the movie go down the street and pay $12 bucks at the AMC or better yet stay home and watch your DVD copy you told us all about. All your favorite scenes from 2003 will be right there before your eyes. Based on doesn't mean Carbon copy dipshit and I am pretty sure that the orchestra heard you from all the way in the back to all the way in the front bitching about the escalator scene being "cut" and "unfairly cut" because "this musical wouldn't SUCK if that had been in it"
4) You texted and ANSWERED your cell in the middle of the first number in act two. You have committed the utmost theatre sin and shall now burn in hell, and burn in the really really hot part of hell for really really bad people. I wouldn't say that except for the fact that your phone sang Lady GaGa at full volume and even though you cut the ringer off fairly fast you said "I can't right now because I am at a musical, --- yes way --- no I didn't eat dinner yet, let me call you when this is over --- dunno maybe an hour ---- ok great." (Where was the usher.....she was allllllllll over the cell phones and camera during act 1 - where were you for act two or did you just give up finally. The usher and even your friends don't have to burn in hell - just you. (and this was the fat one I was talking about taking out)
Mom and two kids (guessing age 40, 8 and 5)
Kudos to you for introducing your children to live theatre - and you know what a gold star. They were almost well behaved. However, you made two errors this evening. For kids they stayed mostly seated for a 2 hour show. Goooood for them and for you. - BUT.....
1) Never give two small children a hard plastic cup with ice in it - you know they will finish the soda and then learn if they shake the cup really hard the ice makes noise. They, the children, do not understand that at a production meeting a month ago that when someone said - "Hey we need a musician to shake a plastic cup with lots of ice in it right in the middle of the power ballad of act two and scare the shit out of most of the center mezzanine" - that someone else said - "well we were thinking a piano would be good there!!" - but I will give you props mommy dear - you did reach over after the third shake and snatch the cup out of the kids hand like a pro and never gave it back to them. Good mommy, you can watch the Jersey trash burn in hell with me.
2) You have handed your child a very large very long round sucker. They can't and shouldn't ingest that much sugar in one setting and will eventually get bored with sucking it. They hand it to you because why wouldn't you want to hold their sticky gooey sucked on lolly for the rest of act one. However, after admonishing the child for saying "Here mom, hold this I don't want anymore" you waited until the quietest moment of act one - rumbled through your SUV (oh wait I mean purse) and pulled out the plastic wrap that came with the sucker and proceeded to spend 3 minutes crinkling it to put the sucker away. You fail at this - but not enough for the hell fire that shall come down on Jersey trash.
The British ladies behind me. Yep all five of you in your 30's and on Holiday to America. - Bloody good show ladies. I personally think - and I am speaking to you Woman in white (nope the Brit folks, not the musical) I personally feel that the 3 large (I mean like LARGE) bags of skittles you ate in act one - they do make a good sound rolling out of the bag don't they - and the 4 large cookies (each in its own cellophane) that you ingested during act two made my musical so much more fun. Rattle rattle, crunch crunch, - that was very pleasing. You had a plastic cup with ice in it to - but you are older than the child in front of me and should know that shaking the ice over and over doesn't make the Coca-Cola angel come zipping to your row and fill your cup up more. No matter how many times you shake the ice - until it melts you won't get more fluid....silly you - who knew that 4 cookies would make your mouth dry.
Ending my rant - you know what - it isn't the mom's fault, it isn't the people with ice in their cups fault for the extra soundtrack in the audience. It is the fault of the producers and theatre goers. I know Broadway costs big money and every dollar counts. I would almost give an extra 5 dollars for a ticket to do away with concessions in the theatre. But the ultimate theatre sin is the day they started allowing concessions into the audience and I say a big kudos to those companies that don't do it anymore or never started. You know what, at a circus or in a theme park fine, but at a performing arts center or theatre it is not fine. Can you really not go for one hour without something to drink, munch, suck, slurp, lick, bite, chew, crunch, and nibble? If you said no I can't I have well well I have no words for you. It is an hour - good lord folks - an hour and then we get 15 minutes to pig out and then be quiet again. It is a shame, and it ruins the experience for those of us that don't check our brains as they scan the tickets at the door. I want to find where you work, and in the middle of your big moment in front of your co-workers, come in - sit down with my skittles, shake my cup of ice, answer my cell phone and then take a photo of your prized presentation so I can put it up online and let people steal all the ideas for free. That is what I shall wish for tonight as I go to sleep, until I get my wish you will see me in the theatre and yes that glare given in your direction means you are annoying me and everyone around you.
At the start of the show tonight when Santa breaks character and says "You know what I need to stop because I forgot to turn off my cell phone (lots of laughter and applause) and nothing ruins a good story like a cell phone ringing in the middle of it" (more laughter, lots of applause) oh and I am going to want a good piece of candy during this story - I think I will unwrap it now (damn near standing ovation) that is an actors way of saying "Hey asshole, if your phone rings or I hear one candy wrapper during my performance, so help me I will leap off this stage and beat you dead with your playbill" --- yes it is funny but it is meant to get a point across and most of you missed the point.
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