George Carlin said that airlines insert the word process to make this sound important. "We would like to begin the boarding process. Process is an extra word to make this sound important. It isn't. It is just a bunch of people getting on a plane." Well ok that is true but when the bunch of people getting on a plane have just left the hospital from having a total lobotomy it becomes a process.
Mark Goodloe says this about "The boarding process"
First - All about your boarding pass and process
You planned your trip, arrived at the airport, forked over the unfair money for your checked baggage and have been handed a slip of paper. This slip of paper will gain you access to the secure site of the airport that those in the biz call "The gate area" Upon this little slip of paper is information that the traveler of the flight (you) must pay close attention to.
A) It has your name - this is your name - the one that belongs to your person - it is not the name of the person next to you or a friend of yours. It is all yours. Don't trade with anyone. It won't work that way
B) It has the airline and the flight number - this is quite important. If the paper says Delta airlines and in big letters at the gate you read Continental Airlines - you have made an error. Go back and read again and retry. I promise you at no point ever will your boarding pass for a flight to San Diego allow you to board a flight to Orlando and certainly not for another airline. I swear, you don't need to go to snopes.com to check this out. It is true.
C) Somewhere on the pass will be printed your seat number and the Boarding Group # This is equally important as to the general flow of passengers into the plane to make the flight leave on time. A very nice lady or man will announce the boarding of the plane in the following order and only when it is time to do so. Don't rush them - they don't like that. They don't get to go anywhere and deal with your kind all day long. This is what this should normally sound like to you.
1) "We would like to welcome on board our first class passengers. First class passenger are welcome to board through the doorway at this time." If your seat is anywhere but the first several rows of the plane or way in the back of the plane and your boarding group is group say 3 - DON'T BOARD. Let those who have more money than you or I on the plane first. After all their free soda before your free soda is waiting for them. They have paid twice what you paid and deserve to get on before you do. No they won't steal your overhead space in coach. They won't dare put their Tumi luggage with your Wal-Mart luggage. Tumi's don't like Wal-Mart brand. Once the rich go aboard you will hear this.
2) "We would like to welcome on board our elite access passengers and skymile plus passengers at this time." Look at your boarding pass - does it say elite access? No - ok well then sit the F*** back down and let people who are "elite access" on. They cannot get around you to get on the plane if your big butt and your 12 kids are standing in front of them. We are all very excited to get on the plane but must wait our turn.
3) If you can count past 5 you are ok from here on out, but you still need to think. The nice lady or man will now say "we will begin our general boarding process. We board by row from the back of the plane forward. Please only board the plane when your group is called. We would like to board our boarding group number 3 now." I know this is confusing because clearly you see people with boarding group 4 and group 5 and 3 comes before 4 and 5 in numerical order. Also all 100 people in the gate are now on their feet in no order whatsoever and clamoring to get to the front of the line because no one knows what number they called but they are sure it is theirs. So yes I think the evil airline empire did this to screw with us, but still in terms of boarding a plane 3 comes before 4, before 5, before 6 etc. There is a reason for this. If you are say seated in row 7 (boarding group 6) and try to get on when row 25 - 30 (boarding group 3) is boarding you will be blocking the poor souls who didn't select their seats in time and now have to fly the entire two hours smelling the lavatory. Just wait your turn you will have it.
4) Once your boarding group is called, hand the slip to the nice lady or nice man. They will scan it and hand it back to you. Keep it - you still need it. Your seat number is still on this followed by a letter. Walk down the little hallway to get on the plane. Yes there is a line and no it is not moving. That is become some pretentious asshole who had boarding group 5 and has 9 carry-on bags the size of a small compact car has gotten on the plane during boarding group 3 holding up the whole plane. (see this could have been you but you followed my instructions which are nothing more than the airlines instructions.)
5) As you stand in line go ahead and try to remember your row and seat letter. Row and seat letter are very important. Unlike the boarding groups the rows use numerical order (I know, I know) but that is the way it is. 5 before 6, 6 before 7, 7 before 8, 8 before 9 etc etc. Arrive at your row and find your seat (window, middle, or aisle). Usually F E D C B A if you are looking at your row. If you have C don't sit in A and hope A won't show - they will. They are still behind the asshole with 9 bags who is now berating the flight attendant about how unfair the costs of checked baggage is. (A tip to you - she or he doesn't give a shit because they don't see that money and have just taken a 20 percent pay cut over 3 years just to keep their job that you view is to serve you coke and peanuts. In fact they have all signed the facebook petition in honor of the flight attendant who stole two beers and popped the emergency exit.)
Second - The overhead space belongs to everyone, not just you.
You are at the correct seat, in the correct row, from the correct boarding group. Congrats but you have not aced the test yet. You have carry-on bags. I don't care you have 4 kids and 2 adults and you feel that allows you 6 carry-on bags and 6 personal items. When one of your kids is less than a year old and the other is 2 they don't get to have carry-on bags. This doesn't seem to stop you from being a selfish prick as you are now stuffing luggage in the overhead bins from rows 12 to 16 when your seats are in row 17. You have taken up all the space and now people hate you. There are other people flying and it is not fair you brought 4 car seats (which check for free) 10 stuffed animals, 5 bags, two Hudson news bags filled with sugar to keep the kids quiet, 3 cameras, 5 laptops, two diaper bags, a FEMA red cross emergency kit, three purses, and 4 rolling bags on board. You do not deserve all the space so don't be surprised when I shove my bag in the overhead and crumple the stuff animals and smash your other items. I have one bag and I am one person. I now hate you and probably won't help you off the plane in the event of an emergency.
Third - In flight rules - simple and to the point.
I understand a small child may have ear problems, not know why his ears feel like they may explode and cry - I don't like it - but I accept it. Otherwise read on.
1) Your spoiled awful ten year old knows better - He can't scream the whole flight
2) He cannot kick the seat in front of him the whole flight
3) He cannot flip his tray table up and down the whole flight
4) Stop with the sugar - the child is already running about the cabin.
5) He cannot play his games with the sound on
6) He cannot sing along to the sounds of his IPOD at full volume. If it is Barney he risks being beaten by a soda can.
7) A 5 year old is not a lap child - buy him a seat you cheap bastard.
Landing and getting off the plane
Once we have arrived at our destination it is time to get off the plane. For the most part this process is followed well by everyone. The rows in front of you get to go first. Then you get to go. Or you may wait in your assigned row and once everyone is off the plane you may get off. As I said before considering everything else that goes wrong with boarding, getting off the plane is always slow, but easy. However there are a few simple rules.
1) Julie won't live to be a big girl by age at this rate. I understand that she is "Mommy's special big girl (age 5) pulling her big suitcase." She is also holding up a good 100 people because she is slow and banging every seat as she tries to pull a carry-on roller bag (mom's 4th) down the aisle while mom juggles her two bags and Julies little brother on her shoulder who is screaming that he doesn't want to leave the plane.
2) You did bad things. You did not choose your seats until at the airport so your party of 5 was not seated together on the plane. You wife, daughter and mother were seated in row 20, you were seated in row 10. You cannot push, shove, claw, and kick your way back to row 20 while rows 11 to 19 are getting off the plane. Just wait till everyone is off, join your party and continue to Disney. Next time you will learn better.
At any rate these simple tips are made to make your life easy with the flying public. Enjoy your flight.
