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Annoying things that happen during a Broadway show.......or in the theatre in general.

Ok I can say it. I love the Will Farrell movie "Elf"  It is a charming little piece of holiday cinema. When I heard about them using the movie to "base" a Broadway show off of it I knew I wanted to go see it. We will come back to why "base" is in quotes in a few paragraphs or so. When TDF (Theatre Development Fund for all you non-new yorkers out there) put tickets up for the second preview I thought why not.

I would think that the cheap seats in a theatre are where the people with no theatre class and the people who just don't want to pay $130 dollars to see a show always sit. Thus making the people think about getting higher priced tickets - but I said I WOULD think that if not for the premium seats I got to Wicked one time only to have the guy sitting next to me sing every, and I mean every song until he was politely told to shut the hell up at intermission. When he started belting "I'm not that girl" well things didn't go his way. However annoying people in the theatre are everywhere and as Patti Lupone famously ranted "We have lost our manners" Just because you paid 40 bucks or 60 bucks or 200 bucks or even got a COMP ticket, doesn't mean it is a private show.

 I am also currently reading Whoopi Goldberg's book "Is it just me, or is it nuts out there"  Even the

Whoopster has a chapter on theatre courtesy. I long ago gave up movie theatre courtesy but this is live theatre folks. There is no cone of silence between the house and the stage or between you and your other theatre patrons. Those people in goofy costumes on the stage are doing their jobs...they don't come to your work and talk during your business presentation so you shouldn't talk through their presentation.  Anyway on to Elf the Broadway musical - it is good folks...really good and if you get the chance go see it. The two duets that the mom and kid sing are powerhouse numbers and may be the best in the show. Perfect perfect perfect. However, while the show was going on down on the stage....there was another show in the audience. Mezzanine Row Q - S - I was in Mez R - right in the middle.

The six Jersey trash (everyone in the tri-state knows what I mean) girls sitting across the aisle and over my left shoulder. Here is your list of mistakes made tonight.

1) Do not photograph the stage. And when told by the usher do not say "Oh I forgot I was at a live show" - how can you forget that? - people are moving and singing and dancing in front of you. How is it possible you forgot that this wasn't some really intense cinematic effect going on before your eyes?

2) Whilst waiting for the show to begin, and again at intermission, do not sing at the top of your lungs the parts of the movie that Will Farrell sang. Yes it is funny in the movie that he makes up songs in the office and again in the store. Yes you are very clever for thinking of it while sitting at Elf the musical. No you cannot sing and therefore you are on this side of the 4th wall and should not be putting on a curtain warming event that all the Mezzanine is hearing. I didn't pay extra for the preshow so I don't feel I deserve it. And if you must do it, sing it once and get it out of your system. DO not, and I repeat do not sing it 12 times in a row getting louder each time and laugh and then give yourself applause. Now you are saying "But Mark, they were having fun" - yeah yeah whatever is what I say back. - were you there? did you have to listen to it for 10 minutes?  NO - ok well then it wasn't fun. In fact the couple behind me said something that made me say something to them. The very proper and nice lady said to her husband and I quote (this got my interest because it was said by our cruise director being funny one night) "If they do that during the show, the blood shall spill"  her husband quickly said "Now don't go being a curmudgeon" No no no - you know what she has a point and they both laughed when I turned around and said "Listen I think I can take the fat one, but you two will have to handle the other 5" We bonded through our annoyance and I wish I had their name so I could face book friend them.

3) Do not complain, loudly, that they left out the following from the movie- The moving ice flow (actually they did that, but you were texting at the time)  The gum picked off the subway entrance and chewed, the escalator scene in the department store (and how dare they left that out because it would have made the musical) - let me stop a second - if a man who has one leg on an escalator stair and one on  the platform floor and is being pulled into a split is all you didn't get out of the musical then you have no business going to see live theatre, trust me they could have done that scene without thinking about it - they decided not to - so you moved on to complain that they left out the lingerie that he buys his dad, that the lite bright welcome Santa wasn't there, that the mailroom scene wasn't there, that this wasn't there, that that wasn't there - you know what - it is not the DAMN MOVIE - It is a musical BASED ON THE MOVIE - if you wanted to see the movie go down the street and pay $12 bucks at the AMC or better yet stay home and watch your DVD copy you told us all about. All your favorite scenes from 2003 will be right there before your eyes. Based on doesn't mean Carbon copy dipshit and I am pretty sure that the orchestra heard you from all the way in the back to all the way in the front bitching about the escalator scene being "cut" and "unfairly cut"  because "this musical wouldn't SUCK if that had been in it"

4) You texted and ANSWERED your cell in the middle of the first number in act two. You have committed the utmost theatre sin and shall now burn in hell, and burn in the really really hot part of hell for really really bad people. I wouldn't say that except for the fact that your phone sang Lady GaGa at full volume and even though you cut the ringer off fairly fast you said "I can't right now because I am at a musical, ---  yes way --- no I didn't eat dinner yet, let me call you when this is over --- dunno maybe an hour ---- ok great."  (Where was the usher.....she was allllllllll over the cell phones and camera during act 1 - where were you for act two or did you just give up finally. The usher and even your friends don't have to burn in hell - just you. (and this was the fat one I was talking about taking out)

Mom and two kids (guessing age 40, 8 and 5)


Kudos to you for introducing your children to live theatre - and you know what a gold star. They were almost well behaved. However, you made two errors this evening. For kids they stayed mostly seated for a 2 hour show. Goooood for them and for you. - BUT.....

1) Never give two small children a hard plastic cup with ice in it - you know they will finish the soda and then learn if they shake the cup really hard the ice makes noise. They, the children, do not understand that at a production meeting a month ago that when someone said - "Hey we need a musician to shake a plastic cup with lots of ice in it right in the middle of the power ballad of act two and scare the shit out of most of the center mezzanine" - that someone else said - "well we were thinking a piano would be good there!!"  - but I will give you props mommy dear - you did reach over after the third shake and snatch the cup out of the kids hand like a pro and never gave it back to them. Good mommy, you can watch the Jersey trash burn in hell with me.

2) You have handed your child a very large very long round sucker. They can't and shouldn't ingest that much sugar in one setting and will eventually get bored with sucking it. They hand it to you because why wouldn't you want to hold their sticky gooey sucked on lolly for the rest of act one. However, after admonishing the child for saying "Here mom, hold this I don't want anymore" you waited until the quietest moment of act one - rumbled through your SUV (oh wait I mean purse) and pulled out the plastic wrap that came with the sucker and proceeded to spend 3 minutes crinkling it to put the sucker away. You fail at this - but not enough for the hell fire that shall come down on Jersey trash.

The British ladies behind me. Yep all five of you in your 30's and on Holiday to America. - Bloody good show ladies. I personally think - and I am speaking to you Woman in white (nope the Brit folks, not the musical) I personally feel that the 3 large (I mean like LARGE) bags of skittles you ate in act one - they do make a good sound rolling out of the bag don't they - and the 4 large cookies (each in its own cellophane) that you ingested during act two made my musical so much more fun. Rattle rattle, crunch crunch, - that was very pleasing. You had a plastic cup with ice in it to - but you are older than the child in front of me and should know that shaking the ice over and over doesn't make the Coca-Cola angel come zipping to your row and fill your cup up more. No matter how many times you shake the ice - until it melts you won't get more fluid....silly you - who knew that 4 cookies would make your mouth dry.

Ending my rant - you know what - it isn't the mom's fault, it isn't the people with ice in their cups fault for the extra soundtrack in the audience. It is the fault of the producers and theatre goers. I know Broadway costs big money and every dollar counts. I would almost give an extra 5 dollars for a ticket to do away with concessions in the theatre. But the ultimate theatre sin is the day they started allowing concessions into the audience and I say a big kudos to those companies that don't do it anymore or never started. You know what, at a circus or in a theme park fine, but at a performing arts center or theatre it is not fine. Can you really not go for one hour without something to drink, munch, suck, slurp, lick, bite, chew, crunch, and nibble? If you said no I can't I have well well I have no words for you. It is an hour - good lord folks  - an hour and then we get 15 minutes to pig out and then be quiet again. It is a shame, and it ruins the experience for those of us that don't check our brains as they scan the tickets at the door. I want to find where you work, and in the middle of your big moment in front of your co-workers, come in - sit down with my skittles, shake my cup of ice, answer my cell phone and then take a photo of your prized presentation so I can put it up online and let people steal all the ideas for free. That is what I shall wish for tonight as I go to sleep, until I get my wish you will see me in the theatre and yes that glare given in your direction means you are annoying me and everyone around you.

At the start of the show tonight when Santa breaks character and says "You know what I need to stop because I forgot to turn off my cell phone (lots of laughter and applause) and nothing ruins a good story like a cell phone ringing in the middle of it" (more laughter, lots of applause) oh and I am going to want a good piece of candy during this story - I think I will unwrap it now (damn near standing ovation) that is  an actors way of saying "Hey asshole, if your phone rings or I hear one candy wrapper during my performance, so help me I will leap off this stage and beat you dead with your playbill" --- yes it is funny but it is meant to get a point across and most of you missed the point.

The Boarding Process.

George Carlin said that airlines insert the word process to make this sound important. "We would like to begin the boarding process. Process is an extra word to make this sound important. It isn't. It is just a bunch of people getting on a plane." Well ok that is true but when the bunch of people getting on a plane have just left the hospital from having a total lobotomy it becomes a process.

Mark Goodloe says this about "The boarding process"

First - All about your boarding pass and process

You planned your trip, arrived at the airport, forked over the unfair money for your checked baggage and have been handed a slip of paper. This slip of paper will gain you access to the secure site of the airport that those in the biz call "The gate area" Upon this little slip of paper is information that the traveler of the flight (you) must pay close attention to.
     A) It has your name - this is your name - the one that belongs to your person - it is not the name of the person next to you or a friend of yours. It is all yours. Don't trade with anyone. It won't work that way

     B) It has the airline and the flight number - this is quite important. If the paper says Delta airlines and in big letters at the gate you read Continental Airlines - you have made an error. Go back and read again and retry. I promise you at no point ever will your boarding pass for a flight to San Diego allow you to board a flight to Orlando and certainly not for another airline. I swear, you don't need to go to snopes.com to check this out. It is true.

    C) Somewhere on the pass will be printed your seat number and the Boarding Group #  This is equally important as to the general flow of passengers into the plane to make the flight leave on time. A very nice lady or man will announce the boarding of the plane in the following order and only when it is time to do so. Don't rush them - they don't like that. They don't get to go anywhere and deal with your kind all day long. This is what this should normally sound like to you.
 
            1) "We would like to welcome on board our first class passengers. First class passenger are welcome to board through the doorway at this time." If your seat is anywhere but the first several rows of the plane or way in the back of the plane and your boarding group is group say 3 - DON'T BOARD. Let those who have more money than you or I on the plane first. After all their free soda before your free soda is waiting for them. They have paid twice what you paid and deserve to get on before you do. No they won't steal your overhead space in coach. They won't dare put their Tumi luggage with your Wal-Mart luggage. Tumi's don't like Wal-Mart brand. Once the rich go aboard you will hear this.

           2) "We would like to welcome on board our elite access passengers and skymile plus passengers at this time." Look at your boarding pass - does it say elite access? No - ok well then sit the F*** back down and let people who are "elite access" on. They cannot get around you to get on the plane if your big butt and your 12 kids are standing in front of them. We are all very excited to get on the plane but must wait our turn.

          3) If you can count past 5 you are ok from here on out, but you still need to think. The nice lady or man will now say "we will begin our general boarding process. We board by row from the back of the plane forward. Please only board the plane when your group is called. We would like to board our boarding group number 3 now." I know this is confusing because clearly you see people with boarding group 4 and group 5 and 3 comes before 4 and 5 in numerical order. Also all 100 people in the gate are now on their feet in no order whatsoever and clamoring to get to the front of the line because no one knows what number they called but they are sure it is theirs. So yes I think the evil airline empire did this to screw with us, but still in terms of boarding a plane 3 comes before 4, before 5, before 6 etc. There is a reason for this. If you are say seated in row 7 (boarding group 6) and try to get on when row 25 - 30 (boarding group 3) is boarding you will be blocking the poor souls who didn't select their seats in time and now have to fly the entire two hours smelling the lavatory. Just wait your turn you will have it.

          4) Once your boarding group is called, hand the slip to the nice lady or nice man. They will scan it and hand it back to you. Keep it - you still need it. Your seat number is still on this followed by a letter. Walk down the little hallway to get on the plane. Yes there is a line and no it is not moving. That is become some pretentious asshole who had boarding group 5 and has 9 carry-on bags the size of a small compact car has gotten on the plane during boarding group 3 holding up the whole plane. (see this could have been you but you followed my instructions which are nothing more than the airlines instructions.)
      
      5) As you stand in line go ahead and try to remember your row and seat letter. Row and seat letter are very important. Unlike the boarding groups the rows use numerical order (I know, I know) but that is the way it is. 5 before 6,  6 before 7,  7 before 8, 8 before 9  etc etc. Arrive at your row and find your seat (window, middle, or aisle). Usually F E D   C B A  if you are looking at your row. If you have C don't sit in A and hope A won't show - they will. They are still behind the asshole with 9 bags who is now berating the flight attendant about how unfair the costs of checked baggage is. (A tip to you - she or he doesn't give a shit because they don't see that money and have just taken a 20 percent pay cut over 3 years just to keep their job that you view is to serve you coke and peanuts. In fact they have all signed the facebook petition in honor of the flight attendant who stole two beers and popped the emergency exit.)

Second - The overhead space belongs to everyone, not just you. 

You are at the correct seat, in the correct row, from the correct boarding group. Congrats but you have not aced the test yet. You have carry-on bags. I don't care you have 4 kids and 2 adults and you feel that allows you 6 carry-on bags and 6 personal items. When one of your kids is less than a year old and the other is 2 they don't get to have carry-on bags. This doesn't seem to stop you from being a selfish prick as you are now stuffing luggage in the overhead bins from rows 12 to 16 when your seats are in row 17. You have taken up all the space and now people hate you. There are other people flying and it is not fair you brought 4 car seats (which check for free) 10 stuffed animals, 5 bags, two Hudson news bags filled with sugar to keep the kids quiet, 3 cameras, 5 laptops, two diaper bags, a FEMA red cross emergency kit, three purses, and 4 rolling bags on board. You do not deserve all the space so don't be surprised when I shove my bag in the overhead and crumple the stuff animals and smash your other items. I have one bag and I am one person.  I now hate you and probably won't help you off the plane in the event of an emergency.

Third - In flight rules - simple and to the point.


I understand a small child may have ear problems, not know why his ears feel like they may explode and cry - I don't like it - but I accept it. Otherwise read on.

1) Your spoiled awful ten year old knows better - He can't scream the whole flight
2) He cannot kick the seat in front of him the whole flight
3) He cannot flip his tray table up and down the whole flight
4) Stop with the sugar - the child is already running about the cabin.
5) He cannot play his games with the sound on
6) He cannot sing along to the sounds of his IPOD at full volume. If it is Barney he risks being beaten by a soda can.
7) A 5 year old is not a lap child - buy him a seat you cheap bastard.



Landing and getting off the plane


Once we have arrived at our destination it is time to get off the plane. For the most part this process is followed well by everyone. The rows in front of you get to go first. Then you get to go. Or you may wait in your assigned row and once everyone is off the plane you may get off. As I said before considering everything else that goes wrong with boarding, getting off the plane is always slow, but easy. However there are a few simple rules.

1) Julie won't live to be a big girl by age at this rate. I understand that she is "Mommy's special big girl (age 5) pulling her big suitcase." She is also holding up a good 100 people because she is slow and banging every seat as she tries to pull a carry-on roller bag (mom's 4th) down the aisle while mom juggles her two bags and Julies little brother on her shoulder who is screaming that he doesn't want to leave the plane.

2) You did bad things. You did not choose your seats until at the airport so your party of 5 was not seated together on the plane. You wife, daughter and mother were seated in row 20, you were seated in row 10. You cannot push, shove, claw, and kick your way back to row 20 while rows 11 to 19 are getting off the plane. Just wait till everyone is off, join your party and continue to Disney. Next time you will learn better.

At any rate these simple tips are made to make your life easy with the flying public. Enjoy your flight.

A quick blog update

I am finding it hard to write a blog update. As you can tell it has been awhile since I have written. I guess I haven't got a whole lot to say lately. Maybe my life has become as boring as my dog thinks it is.

Waking up - going to work - working - coming home - being a servant to my puppy - and sleeping.

Yeah not feeling a blog in there - are you? Even the Disney book event we had tonight for some cartoon I have already forgotten the name of wasn't exciting enough to blog about.

Maybe I need to cook my way through Paula Dean's Cookbook. It could be called the Mark and Paula Project (or shit I need to buy a lot of butter to do this). Movies and books could be written and I could become famous.........hmmm my dog is looking at me with that look of I have to disagree with you, come pet me.

Lesson learned since the last blog - check thy oven mit before removing the biscuits from the oven. A hole causes a third degree burn on the thumb that hurts like hell.

Oklahoma will probably always be my home

So I find myself sitting in my hotel room at the Biltmore hotel on my last night in Oklahoma City. The Biltmore would be slumming it to some people but I like it and I don't see the need to pay more for a room when the rooms that they have do us just fine. The room I am in is nicer than some rooms I have paid twice for and they are HUGE. My mom has long since passed out in bed and is snoring so loud I think she may inhale the drapes off their rods. I mean this is some serious snoring folks. So tonight's blog post is not about my mom's snoring but about a touch of melancholy feel I have this time for Oklahoma City. I saw very good friends while in town and had wonderful times with them. My mom saw one of her good friends. I purchased more stuff than I can bring back in my one checked bag so will be making a stop at the post office before getting on the plane on Thursday. There are just stores that we have in OKC, that they don't have in the NJ or NYC area - and yes the stuff is that different. If I ever drive here I may load up the car. Things in OKC are cheap!!!

 Oklahoma Is My Home

I was driving around tonight listening to a CD on random play that I made before leaving Missouri. A song called "Oklahoma Is My Home" came on. This is a song few people know about. It was written for the Oklahoma Olympic Festival in 1989 as the end credit music for the video souvenir sold after the festival. This was six years before the Alfred P. Murrah building was bombed and well before anyone really thought that much about domestic or home grown terrorism. I was just driving around a downtown that has changed so much, but still can bring back so many memories. I passed the hotel my dad, brother, and I ate at on some Saturday mornings when I was growing up. I never remember my mom joining us. The downtown building where my high school had its prom, the convention center where I graduated not only from HS but from College. The entrance street to Bricktown where I had so many meals with my family or my friends when Bricktown was still referred to as the MAPPS project and no one ever thought it would get off the ground - but it did. The civic center where I saw my first Broadway tour of Cats in 1988 that made me choose the career I hold today - all of these memories sorta came flooding back. Even more so than before. One of the lyrics in this song is "Oklahoma is my home, where I was born and where I'll die" I don't know where I will die. It may be Oklahoma or it may be somewhere else but the lyrics in this song did hit home with me tonight. I made a little video with the song and some photos if you want to scroll down and play

I

I have made it a point to stop by the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial every time I am home. I didn't know anyone that was killed, I didn't know anyone that lost family in the blast. I was asleep 20 miles away on April 19th, 1995 but was awakened by the bomb noise itself. I have always been inspired at how peaceful and calm this memorial was. Every time I go I feel this extreme sense of calmness and peace. The memorial was so wonderfully done and is an amazing tribute to all the loss that day. I can only hope the NYC memorial will be the same. So I walked through at night this time. There were two people playing a violin, and only a handful of people around the memorial itself so it was a nice relaxing place to visit. The violin music added something that i had never experienced there and was very moving.

Getting back in the car I drove out to Mustang and Yukon. The two towns where I was really raised as a child. I had been out to Mustang before to put flowers on my grandmother and dad's stones. In Mustang my dad's old business is still there but looks awful. The white bricks and the paint are peeling, the sign that used to say Mustang Medical Center that was changed years ago is sad looking. I can tell the person who took it over has a job, not a life. That office was my dad's life. He took pride in it. He took care of it. He would be saddened by how it looked this trip. On my bookshelf in my bedroom is a photo of the day my dad opened that office. It was taken in 1965 and you can tell just how proud he was. I wish the new owners felt that, but it is clear they don't. Even worse was the house I grew up in. The gate is rusting and off the hinges, the grass looks like it has not been mowed in two years, and I would say there were no less than 14 cars all over the property in various state of rust. It really looked bad and I am not sure I want to drive by again. Our house always looked so nice when we had it. I know it doesn't belong to us anymore but it is sorta heartbreaking to see it now. That was the house I lived in for almost 21 years. It WAS a great house. My grandmother's next door didn't look much better.

At any rate this blog is long - but I have decided this blog is for me. If someone reads all of this so much the better, but I can read back on this whenever I want.

Driving around Yukon tonight I saw so many places that are still there that I spent so much time in. Harry's grill which was the Yukon mining company was still there. The Wal-Mart where me and my dad did endless grocery shopping I stopped in and bought a card and thought of all the times I was there as a kid. The KFC and Long John Silvers that we ate at. The gas station that I was filling up my first car's gas tank when I heard on the radio that Princess Di had been killed in a car accident. The movie theatre I saw countless movies in. Driving on through town was the Yukon Performing Arts Center that I worked at a few shows. The catholic school we drove by all the time. Downtown Yukon was a lot the same. Little mom and pop shops that I remember going to with my Grandmother in her big blue car. The old Yukon Flour mill with its sign that was on - in bad shape but it was on. I remember standing on the street with my dad in the late 80's watching them turn on the sign. It had been years since it was on and it seemed that the whole town had turned out to watch it being turned back on. The old grocery store where my mom and dad and I shopped has been closed. Snyder's IGA was our store. I remember every time we went to get groceries that I got a free cookie from the bakery. This was just the store's policy and it was any cookie you wanted. (That was the 80's kids)

I drove back through the central part of Yukon. The car wash that my dad used to take our cars to is still there. The hair cutting place I got my haircut as a kid is now a liquor store with bars over the windows. That isn't the same,but it is the same building. The spot where the barber chair sat at is the cash register. 

As I drove back to the hotel, I made one side trip out to the Charcoal Oven in NW Oklahoma City. This place looks the same as it did when it opened in 1958. My dad and mom used to eat here all the time when they were first married. After we sold our house and moved to an apartment in NW Oklahoma City, I used to eat here sometimes after college. It is the best burger you will ever have. It also is a classic 1950's drive in. Lot's of neon and places to park and eat. I love their sign If I had been even the slightest bit hungry I would have gotten a burger and shake for old time sake. However, it has been there since 1958, surely it will be around at Christmas when I come back.


So I am leaving Oklahoma tomorrow having been here many times in the last few years. It stopped feeling like home a long time ago. When my dad sold the house and moved us to the apartment, when my dad's friend destroyed my room in the apartment and I felt like the kid that comes home from college and finds his parents have made his room a study, and when my dad finally sold his practice and moved to Dallas before he passed away in 2007. All of those things made OKC not feel like home. However, this trip I seemed to remember more or see more of the old in the new. Thinking of all the things we did here when I thought there was never anything to do. One of these days I may even live here again. I doubt it, but you just never know what life may bring and when Oklahoma may be my home once again. My first attempt at a movie is below and I hope you enjoy it.

Lesson Learned Tonight - 8/22/10 - 70 years gets tired faster than 34 years.

I have never seen so many corn dog stands in my life

Ok so tonight I escaped the big city of Clinton and headed about 30 miles away to Sedalia for the Missouri State Fair. I should stop here and say that state fairs have always been a part of my life. My family had good friends that ran a place called the Original Meatball Factory at the Oklahoma State Fair for years. I have never had Italian sausage sandwiches or meatballs like those people made and I probably never will again. Having just been to the NJ state fair (a total and complete waste of time) I figured the weather was cooler, the grass had probably grown all it was going to in Clinton for the day, and I could see pretty much anything I could imagine at a fair. As Bill Engvall says "I saw people wearing clothes I wouldn't wear to pick dog mess up from the yard"

Upon parking about 2 miles away from the "new and improved entrance gate" I paid my five dollars and headed into the fair. $5 after 5pm - a bargain indeed. I thought of  Bill Engvall's advice about Spa's and cases of smiling rocks as I went in - I think this was the fair he was talking about by the way. I saw both.

The Missouri state fair is actually much nicer than the NY state fair or the NJ State fair but aside from cotton candy, snow cones, ice cream, and funnel cakes that are a basic part of the crap you eat at a state fair, I literally have never seen so many corn dog stands in my life. It was like the Missouri State Fair celebrates the year of the Corndog. (is it the year of the corn dog? I have not checked my Chinese calendar in awhile)  I mean every booth sold corndogs. ALL OF THEM. here is an example of one of probably 100.

At any rate I wasn't really hungry for the fine food that the fair was offering so I moved on. The one thing this fair had that the NJ state fair did not have was buildings. Where the same mops, eye glass cleaner, dusters, steam irons, massage pillows, culligan water people, those people with the three doors you look in to see what happens when Jesus comes ( they really need a better scenic artist PS to drive home those images), pots and pans, jewelry cleaner and other assorted crap you don't need but buy by the bag full because you are at a state fair. I almost bought the worlds strongest glue, it is made by the Germans. When I think of the German people I think of bratwurst, beer and October fest. However, I do not think of their bratwurst filled belly's and beer steins full at laboratories making the worlds best glue called "the last glue you will ever need" - nope moving on. I also almost purchased a bottle of basically purple Windex that would keep my ceiling fan dust free for 6 months. I figure the dust will fly off the fan and land of something else so I would miss the benefit of my 5 blade dust catcher. - I passed even though the sales lady was insistent that I could not live without this product.

I rounded the corner into the next building and found the largest watermelon and pumpkin in Missouri. (fruit and gourd on some serious steroids here folks.)

The pumpkin to the left would probably make a mean batch of pumpkin pies or could dress up and be the Great Pumpkin in a Charlie Brown stage show. I cannot think of what you would do with a 108 lb watermelon.

 After seeing the big fruit and gourd I decided to head over to the midway to try and find some type of water shooting game to win mom a nice stuffed animal that she probably would not want. She doesn't like to collect things that collect dust. So her luck held or the water bill was to high at the fair or something because there were no water shooting games to be had. -- you will note the picture at the left proclaiming "THE GREATEST CARNIVAL ON EARTH" I say nay nay.

I followed the advice of Lil' Pardner and measured up for Fun and Safety. I got a weird look from the lady peddling over priced paper tickets for rides held together with everything but the bolts they came with. Maybe she was just jealous she had to work and I could ride the rides. I was as tall as Lil Pardner's eyes. I refuse to ride rides that are packed in trucks and hauled around from state to state. I swear they cannot be safe. Oh by the way :Lil Pardner also warns kids to mind their parents, pay attention to ride operators, and several other things that kids don't pay any attention to what-so-ever.




So that about completes my tour of the fair. I left without a spa or without a case of smiling rocks for the garden. I didn't see any blow guns for the little ones with paper targets, but I bet I just missed it. It has been hot in Missouri and I did not feel the need to see livestock kept in hot barns since the fair opened. So I headed back out into the parking lot to find the car and return to the non stop excitement of Clinton on a Monday night. I made it back just in time to grab a sonic slush before they closed so all in all not a bad way to end the day.

Lesson Learned 8/16/10 - The fair was much more fun as a kid

My first Blog post - you can feel the excitement in the air.

Ok - so I cannot be outdone by my friend Kelly. I trust her wisdom and gosh darn it if she is going to start a blog I am going to start a blog. I am fine being a follower. I don't need to lead the parade every time. This shall be my little blog where I can post all the randomness my brain comes up with, the trials of my life that probably aren't all that bad, and the other crazy things I do. As a fair warning that could be pretty much anything that occurs and at time may involved my goofy golden retriever. However, in an attempt to keep at least one follower (Kelly this is your cue - find the follow button and click on it now - continue reading after) I will try and keep my blog filled with frolic and frivolity in the non-stop, action packed adventure of my life. Trust me for a kid from Mustang, OK it gets pretty wild sometimes.

My first blog post comes from the wild and reckless town of Clinton, MO. Clinton - how to describe Clinton. Well they have electrical power now, this explains all the oil lamps in the garbage I have seen. They have electronic stop signals. I bet that caused some stir at the old town hall meeting. You know I even saw a few actual stores in town that sold those new fangled contraptions called TV's. (trust me it will never replaced the radio)

Ok now to be fair to the home of my mother - she grew up in deepwater, MO - that is about 10 mins from Clinton. Clinton is a nice little Midwestern republican red city red state town. They have a few places to eat, a couple of groceries stores, a town hall, a town square with mom and pop stores that are a throwback to the 50's and 60's, a six screen movie theatre, and a Wal-Mart super center. All 9,300 people (as of the 2000 census) here think alike. I swear they do and I am not making this up. Think typical Midwestern small town conservative republican. (if you are still breathing and have not fainted out of shear terror - continue)  Obama is not well liked in these parts, no really not the most popular president of 1600 Pennsylvania ave. Let's not even go near gay marriage (if the light is red don't run it) and in fact in talking about gays and lesbians at all in Clinton lets follow the advice given in Finding Nemo - Swim away, swim away. In honesty Clinton is not that bad of a town - just different.

You know how the old saying goes - you learn something new everyday.

Lesson Learned 8/13/10 - Political Discussions with family in the Midwest is an ugly business.